My Story
My Story
Posted By Annie Claffey |07 Nov 2021
I had a normal Irish upbringing, a loving and supportive family. I had a good career, I met my husband, we got married and fell pregnant a little over a year later. Life was good. I had quite a tough pregnancy and labour which at the time I really struggled to come to terms with. I guess it was the first time in my life that things didn’t really work out for me. I was privileged to not go through anything like this before.
Motherhood was not what I had expected it to be.
Our beautiful boy Joshua was born. We had a tough time for the first 6 months. He was a colic baby which meant he cried a lot and didn’t really sleep. Our first Christmas was also a bit of a nightmare as Joshua became quite sick with Bronchitis and ended up in hospital on New Year’s Day. He was only 9 weeks old and we were so new to it all. So in simple words, Motherhood was not what I had expected it to be. Between the tough pregnancy and labour, the sleepless nights contained with colic cries, the trauma post hospital, I was depressed. I tried to hide it but eventually it got too much when I was 9 months post-partum. The moment I realised I wasn’t well was after an argument with my husband.
Smiling on the outside, Inside I was massively struggling
I realised that I had started to take what I was going through out on my husband, we always had such a good relationship and the fact that I knew not only was I hurting but so was he, it broke me. So I made my mental health a priority. My main priority was getting well for my son and my husband, I wanted to feel myself again. From the outside looking in, you would never have known. We were the perfect little family. Always dressed well, smiles on our faces but inside I was massively struggling. I struggled to connect with any joy in my life. The guilt was extreme!
I tried everything I could to make myself better and become me again and I recovered.
It felt like I had to retrain my mind to feel happiness again. So I started the work. This is where my determined spirit came in. I took the medication the doctor advised, I went to therapy, I went to confidence hypnosis, acupuncture for anxiety, I filled my body with the right foods, I spent a lot of time in nature exercising (in particular running), I walked my dog lots, I learned to process my thoughts through journaling and started to practice gratitude. I tried everything I could to make myself better and become me again and I recovered. I was enjoying motherhood. I was starting to bond with my son, something that was robbed from me as a result of the depression. Work was going well. I was starting to feel like myself again.
Another blow that I couldn't handle.
I recovered for the most part, moved on with my life and so we decided we were ready to try for another baby. We were blessed to become pregnant two months after starting to try. In hindsight, I really wasn’t ready but I forced myself to think that I was because I was eager to get to the next stage of my life. I felt my biological clock was ticking and people were starting to ask when baby number 2 was coming along. However, it wasn’t to be and I had an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks (On New Year’s Day again). I recovered as best I could, went back to work to find out that my job was going to change and even though I was still going to have career options, it was not what I wanted and so it was another blow that I couldn't handle. I just felt like my mental state was built on a house of cards. Once one thing happened, every difficult situation I had been through hit me for the very first time again.
I hit rock bottom.
I could not cope and one night I cried into a bottle (or two) of wine hoping to numb myself from the pain of my life not working out the way I had imagined. The next day I woke up with a hangover and no solution as to how to get out of the black hole I was in.
I changed in that moment
My best friend suggested reiki. I had never really any interest in holistic treatments. The only reason I had tried acupuncture was because Mary, my acupuncturist was a client at work and she wanted me to try it so I could help her with her business.
However, I was in such a state I thought.. it’s worth a try. The reiki session I received was extremely powerful. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I still had the same problems, they hadn’t gone away but I was looking at them with a more open mind, a more confident and clear mind. I was feeling more open to this life junction I was at, rather than perceiving it as a road of no return.
I changed in that moment. I remember coming home to my husband a different person. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. I stopped seeing that there was only one road to travel. And I opened my mind to the possibilities that could be out there if I just stopped trying to control the uncontrollable and instead focused on what was working out for me. Like the beautiful home I had, the amazing family network and friends, the work experience and network, my healthy body that was still standing even with all it had been through. I became purely grateful for what I had in my life. I stopped dwelling on what had happened in the past and I took one step at a time into my future with faith that it would work out whatever way it was supposed to.
For the first time in my life I was truly content
I was back taking care of myself, helping my body and mind to heal. I started meditating regularly to clear the grief, to feel grateful for what I did have. I journaled more and educated myself on gut health and how it could affect my moods. I started to treat my mental health like my physical health. I couldn’t expect my mental health to take the strain of life if I didn’t take care of it, strengthen it.
These techniques and tools started to impact my life for the better. Everything in my life started to change. My perception on life, my love of life, my strength as a mother, I became a kinder more supportive and encouraging wife, I became more hard working and passionate in my job and things started to open up. The benefits were overflowing in all aspects of my life. I was changing and for the first time in my life I was truly content.
I recovered once more and I was strong
I was enthusiastic for where life would take me next. I got a new job which I absolutely loved. I felt very valued and appreciated and passionate about what I was doing. It was the type of role I had manifested for so long. To the extent that I had a full room of décor for a home office, well before this job even became available. I knew that if this was something I truly wanted and if I worked for it, it would happen at the right time, and it did.
Even though we were also trying to get pregnant again, my body was still trying to recover from the traumas it had been through and it was causing a hormonal imbalance so I had accepted that maybe a second baby may not be in my story and I was ok with that. I was so grateful for the family I had and was present and content in that.
My bond with Abigail was instant
We were blessed to get pregnant again. I was intentional throughout my pregnancy. Having had a tough pregnancy the first time, I was determined to feel strong and happy and to enjoy this pregnancy and do everything in my power to have a beautiful maternity leave. But the fears were still there. Fears and anxiety don’t just disappear but I practiced the wellbeing that was right for me and the baby, which for us was walking in nature, positive pregnancy affirmations, gratitude and nutrition.
I would write every day “I am the healthiest happiest calmest pregnant woman I know. I am blessed to be pregnant and a healthy and happy baby girl will be born with ease and grace in July 2020. I love my maternity leave with my baby girl.” These affirmations, good nutrition, reiki and exercise kept my body and my mind strong and our baby girl was born. The labour was so relaxed and enjoyable. We even named Abigail, Abigail Grace because she entered the world with such ease and grace and my bond with Abigail was instant.
I chose to feel differently
The night we travelled to the hospital to have Abigail, I dressed myself to feel my best. I had my tan on and my wedding perfume, the perfume I only wear on special occasions and what could be more special than meeting my baby girl for the first time. I was intentional about how I wanted to feel. The morning of my labour I wrote my affirmations and I wrote gratitude and I will have those notes for all my life. I even used all my nice beauty products. I was scared of what was to come in the labour and post labour and I could have let those fears define me but I chose to feel differently – to feel calm and ready.
How could this be happening to me again?
However, when she was 5 and a half weeks old we had an accident at home and Abigail suffered 3 fractures to her skull and a bleed. This was horrific, how could this be happening again? However, I didn’t let myself go to deep into the “Why me?” I just said.. this will not define this time I have with Abigail. This is not the Universe telling me I am not a good Mum (a thought that constantly went through my head when Joshua was a baby). It was an accident, Abigail was fine but I needed to recover. So I was back to my supports. Journaling my anxiety, getting my reiki treatments and acupuncture treatments to ease my anxiety and feel relaxed and most importantly, enjoy my maternity. I was not going to waste time feeling hard done by. My baby was healthy and perfect and I was going to savour every moment of my maternity leave with her. And hand on heart that is what I did.
Why I am telling you my story?
Why I am telling you this is because my life over the past five years has been full of highs and lows like so many other people and I needed to strengthen my mental and physical wellbeing to handle it. We all get tested in life, some more times than others but we don’t escape it. So we need to back ourselves so that we can appreciate and relish the wonderful moments that life gives us and know how to weather the storms when the tough times come.
It is through my experiences and the wellbeing I practice and receive that I am a more resilient, happier and stronger person. I jump out of bed every morning excited for what the day has to bring. I feel like I was in a fog before this. I have intention going into every day to find the joy, to stay at peace no matter what the hurdle.
We have to listen to our bodies
I know that I pushed my health to the brink by piling on too many life pressures in a quest to be “happy”. I had numerous traumas that affected my health yet I expected my body to recover instantly and do what “I” wanted. Now I know that in order to deal with life’s pressures we need to listen to our bodies. Our bodies deserve to be able to trust that we will do the right thing for ourselves.
I have big dreams.. However, in order to make those dreams a reality I need to love, respect and care for my body and mind in order to achieve those dreams. My roadmap to those dreams is practicing wellbeing on some level, every day so that I have energy, I have clarity and I am feeling the best version of myself and in return, the world receives the best version of me.
Motherhood was not what I had expected it to be.
Our beautiful boy Joshua was born. We had a tough time for the first 6 months. He was a colic baby which meant he cried a lot and didn’t really sleep. Our first Christmas was also a bit of a nightmare as Joshua became quite sick with Bronchitis and ended up in hospital on New Year’s Day. He was only 9 weeks old and we were so new to it all. So in simple words, Motherhood was not what I had expected it to be. Between the tough pregnancy and labour, the sleepless nights contained with colic cries, the trauma post hospital, I was depressed. I tried to hide it but eventually it got too much when I was 9 months post-partum. The moment I realised I wasn’t well was after an argument with my husband.
Smiling on the outside, Inside I was massively struggling
I realised that I had started to take what I was going through out on my husband, we always had such a good relationship and the fact that I knew not only was I hurting but so was he, it broke me. So I made my mental health a priority. My main priority was getting well for my son and my husband, I wanted to feel myself again. From the outside looking in, you would never have known. We were the perfect little family. Always dressed well, smiles on our faces but inside I was massively struggling. I struggled to connect with any joy in my life. The guilt was extreme!
I tried everything I could to make myself better and become me again and I recovered.
It felt like I had to retrain my mind to feel happiness again. So I started the work. This is where my determined spirit came in. I took the medication the doctor advised, I went to therapy, I went to confidence hypnosis, acupuncture for anxiety, I filled my body with the right foods, I spent a lot of time in nature exercising (in particular running), I walked my dog lots, I learned to process my thoughts through journaling and started to practice gratitude. I tried everything I could to make myself better and become me again and I recovered. I was enjoying motherhood. I was starting to bond with my son, something that was robbed from me as a result of the depression. Work was going well. I was starting to feel like myself again.
Another blow that I couldn't handle.
I recovered for the most part, moved on with my life and so we decided we were ready to try for another baby. We were blessed to become pregnant two months after starting to try. In hindsight, I really wasn’t ready but I forced myself to think that I was because I was eager to get to the next stage of my life. I felt my biological clock was ticking and people were starting to ask when baby number 2 was coming along. However, it wasn’t to be and I had an ectopic pregnancy at 9 weeks (On New Year’s Day again). I recovered as best I could, went back to work to find out that my job was going to change and even though I was still going to have career options, it was not what I wanted and so it was another blow that I couldn't handle. I just felt like my mental state was built on a house of cards. Once one thing happened, every difficult situation I had been through hit me for the very first time again.
I hit rock bottom.
I could not cope and one night I cried into a bottle (or two) of wine hoping to numb myself from the pain of my life not working out the way I had imagined. The next day I woke up with a hangover and no solution as to how to get out of the black hole I was in.
I changed in that moment
My best friend suggested reiki. I had never really any interest in holistic treatments. The only reason I had tried acupuncture was because Mary, my acupuncturist was a client at work and she wanted me to try it so I could help her with her business.
However, I was in such a state I thought.. it’s worth a try. The reiki session I received was extremely powerful. It felt like a weight had been lifted. I still had the same problems, they hadn’t gone away but I was looking at them with a more open mind, a more confident and clear mind. I was feeling more open to this life junction I was at, rather than perceiving it as a road of no return.
I changed in that moment. I remember coming home to my husband a different person. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. I stopped seeing that there was only one road to travel. And I opened my mind to the possibilities that could be out there if I just stopped trying to control the uncontrollable and instead focused on what was working out for me. Like the beautiful home I had, the amazing family network and friends, the work experience and network, my healthy body that was still standing even with all it had been through. I became purely grateful for what I had in my life. I stopped dwelling on what had happened in the past and I took one step at a time into my future with faith that it would work out whatever way it was supposed to.
For the first time in my life I was truly content
I was back taking care of myself, helping my body and mind to heal. I started meditating regularly to clear the grief, to feel grateful for what I did have. I journaled more and educated myself on gut health and how it could affect my moods. I started to treat my mental health like my physical health. I couldn’t expect my mental health to take the strain of life if I didn’t take care of it, strengthen it.
These techniques and tools started to impact my life for the better. Everything in my life started to change. My perception on life, my love of life, my strength as a mother, I became a kinder more supportive and encouraging wife, I became more hard working and passionate in my job and things started to open up. The benefits were overflowing in all aspects of my life. I was changing and for the first time in my life I was truly content.
I recovered once more and I was strong
I was enthusiastic for where life would take me next. I got a new job which I absolutely loved. I felt very valued and appreciated and passionate about what I was doing. It was the type of role I had manifested for so long. To the extent that I had a full room of décor for a home office, well before this job even became available. I knew that if this was something I truly wanted and if I worked for it, it would happen at the right time, and it did.
Even though we were also trying to get pregnant again, my body was still trying to recover from the traumas it had been through and it was causing a hormonal imbalance so I had accepted that maybe a second baby may not be in my story and I was ok with that. I was so grateful for the family I had and was present and content in that.
My bond with Abigail was instant
We were blessed to get pregnant again. I was intentional throughout my pregnancy. Having had a tough pregnancy the first time, I was determined to feel strong and happy and to enjoy this pregnancy and do everything in my power to have a beautiful maternity leave. But the fears were still there. Fears and anxiety don’t just disappear but I practiced the wellbeing that was right for me and the baby, which for us was walking in nature, positive pregnancy affirmations, gratitude and nutrition.
I would write every day “I am the healthiest happiest calmest pregnant woman I know. I am blessed to be pregnant and a healthy and happy baby girl will be born with ease and grace in July 2020. I love my maternity leave with my baby girl.” These affirmations, good nutrition, reiki and exercise kept my body and my mind strong and our baby girl was born. The labour was so relaxed and enjoyable. We even named Abigail, Abigail Grace because she entered the world with such ease and grace and my bond with Abigail was instant.
I chose to feel differently
The night we travelled to the hospital to have Abigail, I dressed myself to feel my best. I had my tan on and my wedding perfume, the perfume I only wear on special occasions and what could be more special than meeting my baby girl for the first time. I was intentional about how I wanted to feel. The morning of my labour I wrote my affirmations and I wrote gratitude and I will have those notes for all my life. I even used all my nice beauty products. I was scared of what was to come in the labour and post labour and I could have let those fears define me but I chose to feel differently – to feel calm and ready.
How could this be happening to me again?
However, when she was 5 and a half weeks old we had an accident at home and Abigail suffered 3 fractures to her skull and a bleed. This was horrific, how could this be happening again? However, I didn’t let myself go to deep into the “Why me?” I just said.. this will not define this time I have with Abigail. This is not the Universe telling me I am not a good Mum (a thought that constantly went through my head when Joshua was a baby). It was an accident, Abigail was fine but I needed to recover. So I was back to my supports. Journaling my anxiety, getting my reiki treatments and acupuncture treatments to ease my anxiety and feel relaxed and most importantly, enjoy my maternity. I was not going to waste time feeling hard done by. My baby was healthy and perfect and I was going to savour every moment of my maternity leave with her. And hand on heart that is what I did.
Why I am telling you my story?
Why I am telling you this is because my life over the past five years has been full of highs and lows like so many other people and I needed to strengthen my mental and physical wellbeing to handle it. We all get tested in life, some more times than others but we don’t escape it. So we need to back ourselves so that we can appreciate and relish the wonderful moments that life gives us and know how to weather the storms when the tough times come.
It is through my experiences and the wellbeing I practice and receive that I am a more resilient, happier and stronger person. I jump out of bed every morning excited for what the day has to bring. I feel like I was in a fog before this. I have intention going into every day to find the joy, to stay at peace no matter what the hurdle.
We have to listen to our bodies
I know that I pushed my health to the brink by piling on too many life pressures in a quest to be “happy”. I had numerous traumas that affected my health yet I expected my body to recover instantly and do what “I” wanted. Now I know that in order to deal with life’s pressures we need to listen to our bodies. Our bodies deserve to be able to trust that we will do the right thing for ourselves.
I have big dreams.. However, in order to make those dreams a reality I need to love, respect and care for my body and mind in order to achieve those dreams. My roadmap to those dreams is practicing wellbeing on some level, every day so that I have energy, I have clarity and I am feeling the best version of myself and in return, the world receives the best version of me.
By Annie Claffey
